2013 has certainly been an interesting ride for me so far. Coming into the beginning of the year I was riding a big high! My first book had just been published by Hay House, my business was flourishing, opportunities to empower youth and parents were abundantly flowing into my life, I had absolute clarity on my life purpose (or so I thought), and I was in the most heart opening, and love filled relationship I had ever been in. I felt like I had finally “made it” and was truly content in all areas of my life! And just as I started to get comfortable, everything began unravelling before my eyes.
It started with my relationship ending the first week of the year, and before I could even take the time to heal, my business slowed down to a halt, doors began closing instead of opening, and for the first time in a long time I was incredibly confused about who I was and what I was here for. For someone who takes great pride in being so open and clear, this was new, unusual and very uncomfortable territory for me!
I decided that the universe was clearly creating space for me to do some deep healing and growing. But instead of embracing this state of confusion, sorrow and uncertainty I spent two weeks resisting it all, unconsciously choosing not to see what was really going on.
Finally after realizing that it was not serving me any longer I came face to face with the uncertainty that had all of sudden surrounded all areas of my life.
Now, before I continue on with how I made my way through this, I want to share with you a bit about my childhood so you can understand why this whole process was so challenging for me.
All throughout my childhood my biggest fear was change and uncertainty. I had a very tough time coping with things when they did not go according to how I wanted them to. One example of this was when we used to go out to eat at restaurants as a family I always had to order the same thing every time. This way I could prepare myself ahead of time for what to expect. Unfortunately for my family and everyone in the restaurant there were some times that the chicken fingers I ordered looked more like nuggets than fingers, and as a result I would throw a massive temper tantrum. It often felt like I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Change and uncertainty was the primary cause of all the pain and suffering I felt and experienced as a child.
I can happily say that over the past 8 years I have done A LOT of work on myself and healed many old wounds from my childhood, but clearly after recently coming face to face once again with my greatest fear I realized there was still some work to do. But I was committed to healing and letting go of this fear once and for all.
Thanks to a coaching session with my father, I had a massive shift which changed my whole perception on uncertainty and confusion. In the past, whenever I didn’t know the answer to something, I would ask my question to the universe and expect an answer and rather quickly. But when the answer didn’t come I would seek and search for it with a sense of urgency and even had the tendency to try and figure it all out in my head.
This was because I was truly uncomfortable in the state of confusion and uncertainty and didn’t want to be there very long. The shift in perception came when I realized that confusion was actually not something bad and without it there would be no growth. Think about it, if we have absolute clarity about everything in our lives, how would we ever evolve? When we try to resist confusion we are actually resisting growth.
In order to move through this particular patch of confusion I began the process of questioning everything in my life. But this time instead of seeking and searching for the answers, I was comfortable and content with just asking the questions.
The reality is without questions there can be no answers. But when we are asking the questions and attached to getting a response, instead of just asking for the sake of curiosity, the answers rarely actually come and can create even more confusion. This is where we can get caught up in the downward spiral.
So the solution was to truly embrace the confusion and see it as a blessing not a curse!
At the end of my coaching session with my father he shared an excerpt from one of his recent journal entries that summed up this lesson beautifully.
“What if you began to believe that you need not be responsible to both ask and answer your questions? What if you merely asked them and waited patiently for the universe to send you the answers. You would have to surrender the need to come up with your own answers. You would have to let go of the need to know. You would have to relax and allow the answers to come forth in their own time. You would have to trust, yes trust in the universe to bring you the answers. What if that was an easier way to live life, to allow life to expand.”
When 2013 began I definitely did not expect any of these challenges to happen, but I can honestly say that the past couple of months, although painful at times, have allowed me to grow and evolve enormously!
Do I have all the answers I was looking for? Absolutely NOT!
Am I as crystal clear about everything now? No way!
But one thing I know for sure is I am SO much more comfortable and at peace with not having to know.
When we stop resisting what we don’t want to feel and embrace the state that we are in, we move through whatever it is SO much faster and find our way back to truth and clarity.